


Something That I Want

by annalikestotalk



Category: Queer As Fiction
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Getting Together, i had to write something i adore these women
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 21:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15128276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annalikestotalk/pseuds/annalikestotalk
Summary: Kirsten struggles with something she wants and is sure she will never get.But like they say, if you don't ask for what you want, a highly unlikely circumstance will happen that results in you getting it anyway.** only applies to fanfiction





	Something That I Want

“She moaned as the other woman licked her slit – oh my god, I hate that word!” Laughed Amanda, unable to keep a straight face at the horrible phrasing.

“I know,” replied Kirsten. “It’s just so... Ugh.”

“Although as far as erotica goes, this one’s not so bad. You know, aside from all the slits.” Chimed in Ashly, a wide grin on her face.

“Stop!” Said Kirsten, unable to stop the full body laughter at hearing her friend saying such a ridiculous thing. Her pealing voice rang out as she shifted, arm briefly brushing against Ashly’s, attention briefly caught by the contact between the two.

“Is there such a thing as good erotica though?” Asked Amanda, pulling Kirsten’s attention back. “I mean, have we read anything on this podcast that any of us would read on our own?”

Kirsten smiled at that. There had been one thing she would have gladly read under her own steam, but it wasn’t any of the erotica they’d read, nor the things they’d written. No, she would have read the submitted fanfic about her and Ashly quite happily, even if it hadn’t been for the benefit of their listeners.

Ever since the talk about fanfic had begun, there had been a running joke about fanfic of the three women together. And Kirsten got it, totally, it was a really funny joke, except - maybe it wasn’t entirely a joke. At least, not to Kirsten. Not anymore. She’d never thought about it seriously before they read the fanfic, but now she couldn’t get the images out of her head. There was one thing about it that didn’t quite sit right with her though.

She wanted Amanda too.

“Kirsten?” Ashly’s voice cut through her thoughts, making Kirsten jump a little, and her hand slide forward across the table, brushing suddenly against Amanda’s. She blushed, hard, and pulled her hands back to cradle her drink. She thought she could still feel the heat where skin had touched skin. 

“Are you okay? You need to take a break?” Asked Amanda, gently, softly, and Kirsten’s face heated up more under the combined weight of the other two women's worried stares.

“I’m fine.” She insisted, taking a too-large sip of her wine and cringing as the cheap, acrid liquid hit the back of her throat. “Maybe a bit drunker than I thought I was.” The other two grinned at her, but Kirsten couldn’t help noticing that their eyes were still tinged with worry.

“Aren’t we all?” Amanda said jokingly, but a silence fell afterwards that felt awkward and stifling. Kirsten didn’t know how she’d managed to fuck up this much in so short a time.

“Well, I need another drink anyway, so we may as well take a minute.” Ashly announced, breaking the silence and standing up from the table to head towards the kitchen. “Want me to grab you a glass of water while I’m there?”

“Uh, yeah, please.” Replied Kirsten, noticing but steadfastly not acknowledging the concerned look the other women exchanged over her head.

The soft sounds of Ashley moving around in the kitchen made Kirsten realise, with a sudden start and a feeling not unlike having cold water thrown over her, that she was now alone with Amanda, who was staring at her intently. Kirsten had never been able to resist Amanda’s kind eyes and comforting personality, and she was filled with a sudden dreadful certainty that the secret she had been harbouring was about to be dragged out of her.

“You sure you’re okay?” Asked Amanda, and it was all Kirsten could do to nod, her anxiety increasing as Amanda stood from her side of the table to take Ashly’s vacated seat. Her face must have been doing something panicky, because Amanda frowned and slid her hands forward to cover Kirsten's where they were fiddling with the wine glass. Kirsten’s hands tingled where they touched. “You know you can talk to me if something’s bothering you. It’s not... I mean, I haven’t done something, right? I haven’t made you... uncomfortable?”

Kirsten frowned, trying to figure out what Amanda meant by that. She opened her mouth, but couldn't decide what to say, and so closed it again. 

“Its just,” continued Amanda, glancing down at where their hands were entwined and pulling them back sharply, as if she had just realised what she was doing, and Kirsten immediately missed the contact. “Sorry, I just know I haven’t been subtle or anything, and I don’t want you to feel like I want something from you that you’re not prepared to give.”

Kirsten was sure she could say something brilliant here, something fantastic and witty that would make everything make sense, but when she opened her mouth, what came out was 

“Consent is important.” 

“Yeah,” Amanda said, laughing. “Consent is important.” Something in her face changed then, a kind of resolve making its way into her eyes, and Kirsten's already racing heart quickened. “So I guess I'm asking,” Amanda's hand slowly came up to trace the side of Kirsten's face, and she leaned in so Kirsten could feel her breath across her lips. “Is this okay?”

Kirsten surged forward before she could help herself, threading her hands through Amanda's hair and laughing giddily against her lips at the manifestation of so much time spent wanting. She was just beginning to dance with idea of deepening the kiss when a shocked noise behind the two made her break away.

“Oh,” came Ashly’s voice from the doorway. “I figured Amanda could probably help you, but this is not what I imagined.”

There was something about Ashly’s face that rubbed Kirsten the wrong way. It was a face she was familiar with, countless stolen glances branding the beautiful features into her memory, but something was wrong. Something with the eyes, maybe; yes, that was it. The face was smiling but the eyes looked... hurt?

“I guess you two probably want some space to talk about this? Or... not talk, I guess. I’ll just head home, we’ll finish this episode later.” 

She moved backwards with a smile even more strained than previous, and before she could stop herself, Kristen heard her own voice call “wait!” 

Ashly froze where she stood, and Kirsten had the suddenly realisation that she had no clue what she was doing.

“Um, I...” She looked towards Amanda beside her. She knew what she wanted, but how could it be fair to either of the women she cared about? How could it not be selfish, to ask for so much with so little to give in return? She stared pleadingly at Amanda, willing her to understand, and suddenly, it was like a fog cleared in Amanda’s eyes and her eyebrows shot up.

“Oh, you want...?” Amanda made some vague gesture between the three of them, and Kirsten cringed, nodding sheepishly. “Oh thank god, I thought I was the only one!”

Kirsten stared at her, amazed. Could it be that she wasn’t the only one who wanted more than she should? Could it be that, maybe, for once, she might get everything she wanted? She felt a delicate tendril of hope light up inside of her.

“What the hell is going on right now?” Demanded Ashly, looking profoundly uncomfortable. Kirsten cringed again, feeling bad about putting someone she cared about into this awkward situation.

“Come here.” Coaxed Amanda, gently, gesturing for Ashly to come over. Kirsten felt the hope inside of her swell with every slow, hesitant step Ashly took.

“Okay, seriously, someone explain what’s happening.”  
Kirsten stood, the hope in her providing a newfound confidence, and strode across the room to meet her halfway. She took her face in her hands and cradled her cheek.

“Can I kiss you?” She breathed, taking in the way Ashly’s pupils dilated, and the slight shiver that ran through her. 

“I – but, I thought – Amanda?!” Said Ashley, making some aborted attempt at a gesture to the woman still seated at the table. “I thought – I thought you wanted...”

“I do, said Kirsten, ignoring the response of “hell yeah you do!” behind her. “But I also want you. We both do. Unless...” the hope inside her turned cold, twisting her insides and making her pull her hands away from Ashly’s face. “Unless you don’t want me. Us. Which is fine, of course, you’re allowed to not want, I’m not trying to push you into anything-" Kirsten knew she was babbling but she couldn’t stop. She’d been so stupid – Amanda had wanted her, and she had still had the gall to ask for more? She began to turn away when she felt Ashly’s hand on her wrist.

“Wait, no, that’s not what I meant, I didn't-"

“Its fine,” interrupted Kirsten. “Really, it’s okay, you don’t have to-“

As first kisses go, Kirsten figured she’d probably had worse, but not by much. In trying to kiss her while she was talking, Ashly had managed to crash their teeth together in a distinctly painful way.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Cried Ashly as Kirsten pulled away holding her hand to her face. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think-" 

Kirsten began to laugh. She felt a little bad about it, but it was just so funny to her – of course this was how it would go. She thought if everything had gone well, it wouldn’t have felt right. She reached out and pulled Ashly in by the waist, placing a gentle kiss on her pouting lips. 

“Its okay,” she whispered. “No, actually, it’s perfect.”

It was a beautiful moment, the inception of something new, something amazing, and Kirsten could feel their future stretching before them, infinite possibilities, a million paths she would be happy to walk down with these women at her side. Everything in this moment was indeed perfect.

“So,” piped up Amanda, “is it my turn to kiss Ashly now?”

 

And then they fucked.

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> These women inspired me to write fanfiction for the first time in over a year, and is like to take this moment to say I love and appreciate each one of them.


End file.
